July 8, 2019

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It has been hard with John's anniversary of his passing coming up on July 24th. So much grief resurfacing sometimes in intense unexpected times when all I can do is cry. I sometimes don't know if I'll ever stop crying, but maybe that would be fine, sometimes when I grieve I cannot believe the intensity of pain and other times when I am grieving it isn't suffering, it is actually ecstatic in a unique way. It is just pure grief. Grief has it's own expression and you cannot stop it because grief is bigger and beyond what you have previously believed you were. I was taught by unknowing adults who were programmed by their descendants that crying is bad and should be shut down and suppressed. I am questioning that program within me and working on discarding it with all the clothing and books that aren't sparking joy. 

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I am preparing and looking forward to my one year sabbatical with John, and enjoying our present trip to Oregon. Bob is a fun boyfriend and great driver. We are almost to the coast.

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Diary Entry: Channeling John

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As long as you and I are together we can find peace. Peace inside our hearts because it is very difficult for either of us to find peace if we cannot be together and we wish to always be together and always be in love. Our lives are changing and life will be taking us in far away places we have never been before as well as home. Home inside our hearts, home in the physical and home with one another. Our path is together and there isn’t anything we don’t do together so don’t worry, I am always with you and in more ways than you can count.

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John, The Beloved, Messages4Humanity:

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Infinity can seem like an overused word. However I don't believe we can over use words that are such direct pointers to the truth fo our being. Al

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